This year so far...

I had my first RE appointment in February, the doctor was very positive and felt that everything would be smooth sailing once we got started. Our plan was to reduce my dose of Clomid and do an IUI in March. The day finally came, we went to the office with my husband's 'donation' and waited for our turn. They called us back into the procedure room, and the lab tech was acting a little funny. She said things didn't look as good as what they thought they would see. They proceeded with the procedure, and after waiting for 15 minutes we were moved into a conference room. The doctor told us that my husband would need more testing because the numbers were not what they needed to be for getting the best results.

On my 29th birthday, I went alone for my follicle ultrasound, thinking that it would be a routine appointment. As they called me back I was directed back to the little conference room instead of the ultrasound room. The doctor told me that things were a lot worse than what we had expected and we only had two options. We could proceed with invitro fertilization or we could look into using a donor. My husband and I had discussed our options prior to this visit, thinking that we really would not have to consider them. We weren't fully comfortable with either option, but knew that we would have to do more research to see which would be financially possible.

Fast forward a few months to June. We had discussed our options and felt that the IVF was too expensive for us at this time. My husband was getting ready to have gastric bypass surgery and we felt the cost of both would be too much and also the stress would be overwhelming. As I searched through sites of possible donors, considering physical features, health histories and educational backgrounds. I had it narrowed down to two and we decided on the one with the best health history. We called and put our selection on hold, started the clomid, gave my self my injection and waited for our appointment. We were very excited and hopeful that this would work, so with nervous anticipation we endured the two week wait.

Two weeks later, we found that it did not work. Of course we were discouraged and both dealing with it in our own little way. The best way is for me to write my feelings out and be able to reflect on them. I thought that I would share some of them. I'm sure that everyone that has walked down this lonely road of infertility has felt the same way at some point.

7/10
Even thought I knew the results before I took the test it still hurts just as bad. No matter how I tell myself that it was to be expected and knowing that nothing has ever come easy for us, I should have expected this to break that stigma. It seems this pain never changes, you would think after 6 years I would have developed some time of resistance to these feelings. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this, I don't know if I can handle the stress of trying again. But then I'm truly not ready to let this dream go just yet

8/10

I hate the moments where I feel like it is a struggle to breathe. I feel the overwhelming weight of life pushing me under as I grasp for a breath. Some days I feel like I don't have the strength to go on. Some days I feel like I can't carry this load any more. Not saying I want rid of it completely, because it is mine to bare, but just a brief respite would be nice. Just a day to hold my husbands hand and walk along a beach. Just a day to feel no responsibility, no frustration, no regret. Just to be his, and not to worry that I'm pushing him away. I try so gard to go against my nature and sometimes it feels like I cannot break my lifetime of anxiety and need for control. Maybe someday I will be self confident and not rely on others to tell me what a good job I'm doing. Maybe someday I'll just really let things unfold in they way that they will, and bot try to rush things or force them. I'm striving to be a nicer person, and less judgmental. But it seems such a great task, which I hope to complete someday. But tonight I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't have what it takes to hold myself together. Sometimes I miss that blind faith, where i would just 'leave it in gods hands'. Tonight I need someone to tell me it is going to be okay. Just to convince me that everything will be alright in the end. Just a day without this weight. Just a day.

Hopelessness. That is all I feel at this moment. Everything has been stripped away and a that remains is raw emotion. Even the slightest breeze causes the most searing pain. I wonder if it will ever stop or ever go away. Will these feelings ever fade? Will I ever feel normal again? Will I forever be scared by this emotion for the rest of my days?