As the holiday season has started in full swing, I'm trying my hardest to suppress my 'baby fever'. It is such a funny thing, baby fever, more like I wanna baby-addiction. I can't help getting sucked into this spiral of emotion. Everywhere I look is cute little Christmas dresses and 'my first Christmas' ornaments. My brain defaults to thoughts of 'what if my IUI's would have worked' and 'I wonder if I'll get a Christmas miracle'. It is such a slippery slope thought process. I refuse to let myself be consumed by the thoughts of infertility, but it seems my hormones have other ideas.
Last night we went to see Tangled with some family friends. As I watched all the mothers bring their precious little girls to see the movie, listened to them giggle and gasp at the twists and turns, I couldn't help but feel a huge gaping hole in my heart. I want to experience that with my little girl. I want to curl her little blond hair and let her wear her favorite tutu, and take her to experience a magical event that will cause her to have sparkly dreams. I know that it is all just marshmallow fluff and too soon all those little girls will realize it too. But just for that moment when princesses are really and prince charming exists, I want to see that look on my daughter's face.
It feels like it is too much to ask. Right now my heart feels like it is being crushed under the emotion that I'm attempting to contain. I wonder if my future will ever hold my little blond haired Kennedi or my rough and tumble little Jacen.
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