Yesterday was a crazy emotional day for me. It started out with taking Rob to his first college open house. He is looking at two colleges, one where we currently live and one in the area we will be moving to once he graduates. I'm feeling the beginnings of 'empty nest' syndrome. It is hard to let go and let him learn to fly on his own. Of course I worry about what could possibly happen and hope that we have prepared him to accept the challenges of college life and make good choices.
On the other hand, even though I have came to grips with the fact that I may never conceive, I still have moments when I want it so bad I could cry. On the way home from the college, Jeremy was reminiscing about the day Rob was born and talking about his other siblings being born. As he was talking he said, 'I counted their fingers and toes, and felt their soft baby skin. You know how that feels?' He wasn't being mean or hurtful, but no I don't know how that feels. The last newborn I held was my niece 10 years ago. And my sister in law was very protective, so I wasn't really allowed to unwrap her. When he said that it felt like a dagger went through my heart.
Why is it so unfair? His mother, who didn't take care of her kids, can pop them out like nothing, (she as a 6 year old!!). And there is so many other women out there that can't and don't take care of their children, but they can just look at a guy and get pregnant. But people like Jeremy and I, and many many others out there, want a baby so bad and can't get pregnant on our own. I wish I had the finances to afford IVF. I would do it in a heart beat, but it isn't there.
Life didn't happen like I planned, and it really isn't fair at all.
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