I'm at a cross road in this path of life. Do I cling to what could have been or do I release that and take the next step to a world of endless possibility? Of course most would read this and think of course, take the new road. But it is easier said than done. In taking this new road I have to leave a dream that I have held for many years. My child has a name, I've dreamed about what he or she would look like and all the memories that we would share. I'm mentally painted and decorated the nursery many times. I've bought clothes, I've bought books, I've even bought a very special stuffed animal.
But as the years have went by and my dream never became a reality, I have found myself to have become bitter and judgmental of ones that hold what I only dream of.
This bitterness has managed to seep into every aspect of my life. No matter how I try and push it aside or try to refocus. But what I have refused to do is accept this loss and move on. So every day I hold on to this withered dream like a battered Teddy bear. I attempt to breath hope into it, but to no avail.
And today I fully understand that in order to live in the present and enjoy my husband and family, I have to put that dream on the shelf. It will always be there, but it must cease in defining me. There are many joys that I have missed over the years because of my sadness.
It is time to let go. I will have to tell myself that every day, sometimes many times a day. But to move on, I have to let go. There is a child out there that could experience the life my husband did, and there is nothing I wouldn't do to erase those memories, and to rescue someone else from facing the same.
Life will not be as I planned. It has taken many twists and turns. But from here on I will not let life drag me along. I will walk the road of life and enjoy every second of it. My dream will always be a part of me, but it will not define me any more
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