I find myself in a very dark lonely place right now.
There is so much going on in my life right now. And there is no definite direction, there is a general direction, but no sure answers. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and just waiting for my turn, our turn.
I wish that when I wake up tomorrow, direction will be waiting for me. I want to know where I'm going to be living, where I'm going to be working, and when we will start our family. The regular ups and downs of life would be one thing but to add the weight of infertility just makes this load unbearable.
Of all the uncertainties in my life right now, infertility seems to loom over them all. It is the one thing that I have absolutely no control over. My husband reassures me that it will happen, either by chance, by science, or by a large sum of cash in a duffel bag in Russia.
So as the it is raining outside, it is also raining in my heart. I have nothing left for the rain to destroy, it is already gone. No more strength to dream or hope. I want to have a family with my Jeremy more than anything else, but I continue to fail at the one thing that I should be able to do. I am a disappointment to him, to my family and to myself. I will wait out the storm and hope that there is a rainbow when it is over.
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